“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
-Viktor Frankl

I am a rare gem. I listen. I am empathic. I’m inquisitive without being intrusive. I have a sense of humor. I have much to offer. These abilities have created a lot of disappointment in others who don’t know how to listen when needed: wanting folks to meet me where I’m at, the way I do for them. I’m the type of person who has always been more of a listener than a talker. And that serves me quite well as a therapist; or perhaps that is in part what led me to be a therapist. Personally, I choose very carefully what I share and with whom. However, when I have established a close relationship, the person will know all of me: my personal experiences, thoughts, and feelings. I’m a deep thinker and a deep conversationalist. And I’ve gotten very comfortable expressing myself. However, I haven’t always – and still don’t often – get back what I offer to others. We all want to be emotionally held: we want to feel we have someone’s undivided attention, someone attuned to us, and someone who is right there with us. We don’t want to be told “it will get better” or “it could be worse,” or to hear your story in this moment. We don’t want to be advised what to do (in some cases). We want you in the trenches with us. We want to feel you are on our side; we want your empathy. We want your ear. For some of us, offering this space comes naturally. Being in the helping professions and the education we receive helps us to develop this ability even further. If you have this ability, you, too, are a rare gem. And I’m sure you are appreciated. But how do we receive this in return?

Disappointment bears a heavy weight. We are invested in people, especially our friends and loved ones. The emotional letdown drains us and leaves us feeling depleted and even depressed. And lonely. Being consistently disappointed also calls into question our worth: If someone really cared or really loved us, they would be who we needed them to be. Feeling chronic disappointment in others requires grieving: grieving the relationship you don’t have and one you wish you had. You are entitled to emotional support. So, do we accept people’s limitations, or do we try to get them to be what we need?

You can let folks know what you need. It may not come naturally to them, but they may have the capacity to provide it if they are coached. Perhaps we only need one person with this capacity. And accept that as enough. Or maybe you need to expand or change your social circle and find that person who can offer you more.

I have done all of that. And I have worked hard to accept people for what they do provide. But the ultimate freedom has been shifting my lens from focusing on people’s limitations to realizing my specialness. It has made me value my worth and allowed me to stop expecting, searching for, and being disappointed in what I may not be getting. This has helped neutralize my upset and resentment. Recognizing that I possess strengths others may not have has become a source of empowerment rather than a source of frustration. I don’t know if I can convey the life-changing aspect of this stance. I highly suggest giving it a go.